Back in university, they used to call me “Chinko” because people said my eyes looked small like the Chinese. So in this short, I decided to fully embrace it and do my duty as the “chinko that I am” to put you on how to be a Chinese baddie—wellness edition. I literally pulled out my tablet and wrote down the rules, because this one is serious. Rule number one: drink hot water every day—morning when you wake up and night before bed. If you’re bloated, dealing with period cramps, or your skin is acting up (inflammation, acne), I’m telling you hot water is about to be your best friend. You can even infuse it with cloves, turmeric, and yes, goji berries (I still need to go find those) and just watch your skin thrive. Next is soups for breakfast—congee is the Chinese way, but as a Nigerian, I’m doing my own twist with afang soup or pepper soup (and let’s be real, I’m adding catfish). Then I’m adding spearmint tea for hormones, clearer skin, and better sleep. They also said wear indoor slides (I already do), but the “January is a trial period” thing? I don’t agree—my January has started. The hot water, soups, and spearmint tea? Count me in. Who’s trying this with me?